On Soloing

I’ve been thinking about how to write this for a while. Solitary souls are often described in the negative: The social situations and obligations they don’t like; the things that make them feel drained or uncomfortable. This leaves a huge vacuum of understanding, creating space for people to imagine we’re unfulfilled and maybe not OK.

Of course, nobody is really self-sufficient. We are all dependent on, enriched by, and connected to other people at an individual and societal level, every day. We just manifest those connections differently.

I am more than OK. I love being solo. It’s my super power. I never feel lonely, and I never feel bored when I’m alone. Never. Honestly. I only feel truly relaxed when I’m by myself. On the other hand, there are many social situations when I am bored out of my mind.

I’ve always been this way. As a child, I would seek hideouts in the trees or corners of the house to be alone with my books and thoughts. I love to watch and wonder. I’m always planning, processing, examining, imagining, pondering. I get absorbed in audiobooks and podcasts. I love to consume new ideas or information, then process internally. I suspect I’m higher than average on the “inner dialog” spectrum.

It’s a hard time to be this kind of person, when media and psychology are focused on the crisis of loneliness. Any solitary person is exposed to intrusions and pressures to behave differently. I believe loneliness is a real societal problem. It’s just not my problem.

FAQs

Does this mean I don’t like people? Absolutely not! I love my friends and family dearly, and I feel completely connected to humanity. I want to spend quality time with you. I will do anything for you. But I might make an excuse to avoid your dinner party.

Am I incurious about other people? Yeah, kind of. I don’t expect them to be curious about me. I’m extremely curious about human psychology and history, but not particularly curious about most individual humans – apart from the ones I’ve chosen to keep close. We’re all living our insignificant lives in the incomprehensible dimensions of space and time.

Am I shy? I don’t think so…? I’m not nervous about talking to people. I just find it tiring and/or pointless a lot of the time, particularly if it’s someone with whom I don’t expect to build a real relationship.

Will I be glad I went? No, and please stop telling me this. With decades of trial-and-error under my belt, I’m happy to have accumulated enough self-awareness to differentiate the activities I’ll enjoy once inertia kicks in (a long hike in the cold weather) from the experiences that will annoy or exhaust me all the way through.

Do I really like traveling by myself? Yep. 100%. I like to go where I want, sleep and wake when I want, eat when I want, get a massage when I want. I love to wander around beautiful forests or cities, silently contemplating stunning creations of nature and humanity. Occasionally I might think, “So-and-so would like this.” I have had some great trips with other people and hope for more in the future.

Do I eat at restaurants by myself? Nope. I think of restaurant dining as a purely social experience, which I enjoy. Otherwise eating is just eating. I’ll get takeout.

How does my professional life play into all of this? I think about this a lot. Would I be more interested in interacting with people outside of work, and crave solitude less, if I didn’t spend 10+ hours a day talking, negotiating and managing other humans? If I hadn’t chosen a career path with an extremely high level of interpersonal engagement required all the time? Yeah, maybe a bit.

What about romantic relationships? I haven’t done the math, but I bet I’ve been in relationships for more than half of my adult life. Some people will choose a relationship that’s 80% good, accepting the 20% that sucks. For others, the 20% suck isn’t worth it. I’m in the second bucket. But seriously, I just don’t need it to feel whole and happy.

What if I was the last person left on earth? OK yeah, then I would feel desperately lonely.